I’m going to have to be completely honest here and say that I was prepared to skip this week’s Man vs. Beast entry for lack of any good animal mischief.
Boy, was I mistaken.
I would also like to say before I begin, that when you take this story in its true context, without creative license, it is incredibly heartbreaking both for the man who took his own life and the innocent animals who were gunned down by authorities. I understand that these animals were dangerous to the public at large, however, I really wish there had been a better way to handle the situation. This is a truly tragic story.
Having said that – let the fun begin:
In Zanesville, Ohio, the owner of an animal sanctuary was found dead on Wednesday. Police say that the man committed suicide, but not before releasing all of the animals housed at the sanctuary. Animals such as lions, tigers, bears, and monkeys. The logical question that comes to mind here is: Why? Why would a man who would care enough about these animals to provide them with a secure habitat to live out their days, suddenly release them and kill himself? Things don’t really add up, do they? Well, of course they don’t. This man didn’t kill himself. He was murdered in a sophisticated jail break orchestrated by the animal revolution’s masterminds.
Who are these evil masterminds?
The penguins.
I think you would have to be incredibly naive not to see that this situation has the penguins’ stench all over it. They have been mobilizing for quite some time, recruiting animals where they can, and trying to get their convoluted message of world domination out to the masses. Their mission: to unite the animal kingdom, overthrow mankind, and take over the world. In an effort to increase their numbers, they seized on an opportunity to recruit animals who were already living within the vein of human society. Think of it as a sleeper cell of sorts. They broke into the sanctuary, killed the owner, and released their comrades. Unfortunately, these animals have lived most of their lives in captivity and, although they supported the penguins’ cause, were ill-equipped to handle the severity of the situation. Their lack of training was obvious. Instead of moving stealthily though the brush, the animals frolicked through the fields and out into traffic on a collision course with the gun-toting American public. A drastic and costly miscalculation by the penguins for it was a suicide mission from its inception.
Yes, I know what you are thinking – there were no penguins found at the Ohio animal sanctuary. Of course, there weren’t. From the moment it was evident that the mission was a failure, the penguins were on the move. Where they have gone, is anyone’s guess. But rest assured that this will not be last we hear from them. If nothing else, this incident will only serve to strengthen their resolve to obliterate the human race.
Of Bears and Boating 